Inevitable

Im some ways I've been dreading this time, yet knowing it was inevitable.


The vibrations were met with confused recondition as a made a mental check of the location of my phone during class. I knew it was not a students phone because it was on my left near the floor where my bag was placed. "But why did it vibrate?" I thought to myself, "I turned off email notifications."

After my last class, I casually started to clean up my belongings and looked at my Iphone. I had a notification on Skype.

I must admit, I really didn't think it would be her but it was and a small (7) was next her name signaling the number of times she tried to call. Being suspicious, I immediately checked the time difference from Los Angeles to Japan which is 16 hours and calculated that it was about 3:00am when she called me, she was drunk, I'm absolutely sure of it and here it how it panned out...

At the bar with her friends, she was now fairly intoxicated, yet she started to feel a creeping depression settling in. It came to life in the form of a single tear struggling to form past her mascara, tearing its way from her eye and down her smooth milky skin onto the harsh wood surface of the bar table. Looking down at her phone, she saw her way out. She dialed once, twice, and a third time only to be meet with a dial tone.  In desperation she continued to dial, only after 4 more attempts did she realize, I would not (or could not) answer.

---I would like to think I'm genuinely a optimistic person and believe in the potential of others to change but I don't think...actually I know she will not change. I can no longer invest my future in this fleeting possibility, nor should I. My mother once said "when someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time."

----I also realize that my heart still yearns for her and I'm sure it will for some time and I accept that. This process has been a interesting one, I must admit.

The Dichotomy of Human Nature

I've been told part of the healing process after a relationship is recognizing the lessons that have been learned in the process.

One things that eludes me in this process is the ability to categorize Jennifer. We often take for granted the ability to quickly categorize others, often because of its subconscious nature. Such as in the case where I would categorize Jennifer as a mere Alcoholic and justify my decision to move away from her as a respite from a person who is desperately addicted to a substance and is bound for destruction. The problem lies within the confines of that label becasue although I could blame most of the catastrophic situations on Alcohol, can I also blame the love we shared on Alcohol? The answer is I cannot, which is why these posts seem to be manic depressant.

One the one hand I ruefully pulled away from her entrancing love and genuinely wish that were not the case but on opposing hand I know what it is like to shake, nearly to the point of paralysis, out of fear for the safety of another who occasionally lacks regards for their own well being. I am too familiar with the pain in my chest, yet I am also familiar with her entrancing presence and feelings of pure unhindered love when I can look into her eyes and see truth in her gaze.

We were two genuine people who met and shared a love which cannot be replaced. Let this love not sit on a shelf and rot, nor let us use it as shackles to imprison us.

The lesson I am learning summarizes the complex essence of human nature which squirms away from classification and moves towards simple existence.

"Life is about walking the tightrope between unfiltered passion and absolute logical thought."

I Remember

Something...something triggered the thoughts.

Somethings triggered the memories that continue to plague my mind.

I remember when I first pulled away from you, sure that your habits were something I could not deal with. 

I remember the first party you took me to.

I remember pacing outside the front door, pushing off comments of concern from others. "Whats up?" they said, "just getting some fresh air" I gleefully responded. But you know what I was doing. I was falling apart inside, falling into pits of regret and hatred as I watched you start to stumble.

I remember watching you stagger to the kitchen table and fall to the ground, narrowly missing the corner of the table with your beautiful face.

I remember everyone immediately staring at me with a expectation that I would rush to your aide.

I remember looking at you with such anger and hatred as you arose, one awkward and strained movement at a time.

I remember the car ride back to your apartment, your unconscious body swaying with the curves of the highway.

I remember getting home and looking for the keys you lost in your drunken haze.

I REMEMBER LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE AND SEEING A TEXT YOU SENT TO YOUR FRIEND, "I SPIKED MY BOYFRIENDS DRINK, AM I A BAD GIRLFRIEND?"

I remember the trust I had for you melt into the Vodka you dripped into the juice you offered me.

I remember the words you told me only a few months ago. "I knew I was the person whom you were describing, the person that you didn't want to be with but I deserved to feel good."

I remember you Jennifer, I remember you every single day.

The Fix I Need

Saying its a addiction is putting it lightly.

Its been almost 2 months of absolutely no communication yet when I accidentally, or intentionally, navigate to her Facebook page my heart melts and I once again lower into a pit of regret.

Maybe it will work, I tell myself, maybe this time she actually is different. Maybe she wont lie about alcohol and slowly destroy herself with this noxious substance.

All I have to do is send her a message; tell her how much I love and care for her.

STOP---I know she has not changed. How can she possibly stop relying on the substance that was destroying her life?

The reason is simple, its because it was not the substance which slowly melted into her brain, it was Jennifer who raised the bottle to her mouth.

I miss her, that much I know and I wish sometime in the future I am able to once again see her and hold her.

Life is one big amazing, confusing, and exciting experience.