Double Think

"All I want to do is hug her" I tell myself, impatiently pacing my wood floor. "Just one text message, and if she doesn't respond, then its not meant to be" assuring myself as I venture outside to walk the well worn path in the sidewalk, the passageway to a thinkers paradise. I wanted to text her and tell her to meet me somewhere so I could just caress her one more time....Damn.

It amazes me that we are able to hold two contradictory beliefs at the same time, this "double think," as it is coined in 1984, is beginning to characterize my thoughts about her. I recognize the impossibility of our reunion, but yet, the times that we've shared and the Love I held in my heart will not give me but a five minute respite.

Edit: After some contemplation I realized the stark difference in this situation compared to other relationships. I've rarely had any issue quickly rationalizing away any feelings of hurt or disappointment after a failed relationship. On occasion, I've used broken relationships and their ramification as humor for my friends and those around me...I know, what a dick.

This relationship has caused my to point the finger at myself and identify my insecurities. It was through this process that I realized the need to avoid my common behavior; desperately seeking a rebound relationship or spending every possible moment occupying myself so as to avoid thinking about the situation.

I will feel every second of this pain, not turning away at any point. I need to learn from this, about myself, and those around me.

The most trying and painful lessons in life are often the most valued.

Dazed and Confused

Do you love her, or Love the idea of loving her?

I wasn't sure how to answer that at the time it was posed to me and it still remains at the forefront of my mind.

My understanding of our relationship consisted of two people: the person who I found absolutely amazing in every way as opposed to the person who causes more pain then I have ever felt (or let myself feel). I love the former and loath the latter. There in lies the issue; realizing the the latter will most likely lead me to a stroke or some type of stress induced ailment V feeling connected in every way.

It was a relationship of extremes, as our lives often are in one way or another.


Anyway, Peace out my brothers, Im out.

PS: Better post tomorrow, just wanted to get this out in the dazed midnight state of being.

Chug, Chug, Chug

Full disclosure, I think about my ex on a daily basis.

It is naive of me to think that she does not have alcohol in the house.

It is naive of my to think she is not frequently drinking to excess.

It was an ideal, my ideal, which was unconsciously imposed upon her. It goes much deeper then sobriety, almost to the extent of being weaved into the fiber of my being. It is beyond my understanding (at least at this very moment).


I have been shown, time and time again, that alcohol and its abuse* will be and has been part of our relationship.
*Let me offer one point of clarification in regards to abuse. First, I recognize that is my subjective opinion. By no means am I generally stating that the behavior that was demonstrated during the times of intoxication was asbolutley unacceptable, in fact the opposite is probably true. Alcohol often gives us, by means of a societal rationalization of the behavior, a justifiable reason to "act the part." Case in point: If one were to go to a "frat party," a certain standard of behavior is accepted because of our collective understanding of what goes on at these type of events. This behavior, independent of any egregious break of a societal norm, is "allowed" in this setting and almost encouraged

Side note: The one and only time I went to a frat party I decided to take advantage of the accepted behavior and "act the part."

Entering the circus ring we call the "frat party," the ringmaster skillfully conducted his opening ceremony consisting of shots on the bar and shouting to the audience "Yo, we got free beer," to a loud uproar. As or our timid group of quasi military cadets, progressing through the crowd in single file, excusing ourselves at every chance, we quickly and without notice settled down into the corner near the crowded beer pong table and sunken plush couch.

I was out of my league, surrounded by yelling college students, groping the legs and torsos of the women they were pulling into their crotches. "I'm going to get some beer," a friend said, offering a fleeting glace my direction, as to reaffirm my desire not to partake. "I'm good, thanks" I meekly stated.

"Look at her, shes hot" shooting a glance into the crowd. Snapping my neck, as to see this once in a life time event, "who." "She's looking over here, I think she wants to dance" he said in a commanding tone, gesturing me to get up. "No, dude, shes looking at you" I quickly shot back, putting my hand behind his back while gently urging him out of his plush seat.

Following this, I did what all guys do, decided to rise to my feet, look back at my friends and take my first step in her direction. We lock eyes, and she turns towards me. Short of a stroke, I begin to lose feeling in my extremities as I continue to pull my body in her direction. "Hey" I raise my hand and gesture towards her. "Hey" she replies through the crowd. Its game time no going back. "Yo, whats up man" I say, a little louder then the last. She looks puzzled as I raise my hand higher and stride right past her. "Damn I blew it," I think as our shoulders meet. The invisible man behind your target is always the best out.

To spare the pleasantries, of course I receive a wave of grimaces and negative remarks as I return to the fold.

What was different? Why were these guys able to grope their way to teenage heaven?

Alcohol...alcohol was the difference. Nearly everyone, and I do mean everyone, was drinking. The "nearly" represents yours truly, who did not possess a beverage. That realization lead me to understand the true power of this symbol, and what one could do while the alcohol was flowing.

"Dude, give me your beer" I said him, as he sat mesmerized on the plush couch, ever so slowly sinking into the soft cushions and folded springs. "What, why do you want my beer, you don't drink," he said. "I know, and I still don't, just drink half and give it to me" I replied. He obeyed, and handed me the beer. I walked into the back kitchen area of the frat and put the beer to my lips. Pshhhhhh..."this tastes like piss," not that I've ever partaken in a warm glass of urine, but wow, I'm sure its close.

"Fuck it" I though to myself, "Its my time." I collected myself, closing my eyes, turning slowly, towards the entrance to the main room.  I begin my walk of intoxication, forcefully striking a thick wooden table as I walk by, like a coach smacking his players asses as they stride onto the field. "I'm fuckin drunk" was the first thing I decided to yell. Not the best choice, but fitting at the time. Raising my Olympic torch, I walk with a confidence that was not yet found at that part in my life. Bumping through the crowds, "Yeah, this is fickin awesome" I'm yelling at the top of my lungs, competing with the blasting hip-hop. I was free, and no-one cared I was yelling, as I scream almost directly into their faces.

I'm quasi stumbling through the crowd towards the still sedentary group of guys I arrived with, and inadvertently shoulder the women I was originally looking at. I extend my arm to catch her in a embrace, pull her close to my legs. Let the grinding begin.

It was amazing, the look on their faces, twisted in a showing of emotion ranging from disbelief to anger and the impetus for these emotions was occurring right in front of their eyes. I committed a mortal sin, punishable by banishment. I am faking it, and they know it. How sweet this was.

I left that night with a understanding; one that has carried with me to this day. I have no need to escape, relax, or whatever one chooses to label it. I need no beverage because I can "act the part" without even being cast for the play.



Oh, and in regards to progress towards my long term goals; does thinking about it count?

Addiction

The first road to recovery is admitting my addiction... I'm addicted to procrastination. This takes the form of the many justifications I use to avoid doing the actual work, which can be loosely defined as anything related to the forward progression of my job or personal life.

I've also had the fortunate or unfortunate experience, depending on the perspective in regards to life lessons one could learn, of breaking up with my girlfriend.

Self-actualization according to Maslow, "The final level of psychological development that can be achieved when all basic and mental needs are fulfilled and the 'actualization' of the full personal potential takes place."

"To thine own self be true"

How does one know "thine own self?"

-I would find this to be the crux of any exploration into attaining self-actualization.

It has shown to be difficult, both for myself and those around me, to realize what silent contribution our societal construct has made in creating our image of "self." One could argue we are a creation of the the powers that surround us: family, friends, educators, media, etc. These powers have given us the supposed freedom to act in accordance with our passions and desires, or have given the illusion of these freedoms by providing societal reinforcement which encourages you to choose from a pre-determined set of decisions. Such as in the case of someone coming from a background or acceptance of alcohol. The acceptance of this behavior starts in motion, a cognitive schema, or way of developing a system to understand and interpret the behavior. This interpretation lends itself the building of a construct in which it is acceptable to partake and behave in a way that is in accordance with consuming the said beverage. In short, it becomes the acceptance of a lifestyle, with its set of morals and values to guide its faithful members. In this case it has been pre-determined that one would look favorably, due to conditioning and reinforcement of what we interport to be positive experiences, upon the consumption of alcohol. 

In my mind, this understanding comes down to the Socratic method of dialogue, or the "why." If one were to ask "why do you drink?" there would be no doubt a flurry of initial reasons as to why one chooses to partake, however, these reasons would begin to dwindle until one reaches "just because." At this point one must look in one of two directions, inside oneself, or to society in general, to provide the direction which will inevitably be lost in this quest. Many of us will look towards society to answer these questions, far fewer will embark on the painful quest of looking inside oneself for the answer only to find more questions. Regardless, it will be a path of justifications for either either party and will often come down to what "feels right."

We, possessing the need to feel a sense of belonging, will submit to some type of societal construct. We will inevitably give up some individual rights for the community, but one must always be conscious of what rights we relinquish for a sense of safety and kinship.

Lament over.

On a more important note, to address my addiction to procrastination, I've committed to doing daily posts of what progress I have made on any front.

-Read some "starting strength"

-Researched youth advocacy programs abroad

-Researched biking programs

As the say in Germen - Peace Out Cuz