"All I want to do is hug her" I tell myself, impatiently pacing my wood floor. "Just one text message, and if she doesn't respond, then its not meant to be" assuring myself as I venture outside to walk the well worn path in the sidewalk, the passageway to a thinkers paradise. I wanted to text her and tell her to meet me somewhere so I could just caress her one more time....Damn.
It amazes me that we are able to hold two contradictory beliefs at the same time, this "double think," as it is coined in 1984, is beginning to characterize my thoughts about her. I recognize the impossibility of our reunion, but yet, the times that we've shared and the Love I held in my heart will not give me but a five minute respite.
Edit: After some contemplation I realized the stark difference in this situation compared to other relationships. I've rarely had any issue quickly rationalizing away any feelings of hurt or disappointment after a failed relationship. On occasion, I've used broken relationships and their ramification as humor for my friends and those around me...I know, what a dick.
This relationship has caused my to point the finger at myself and identify my insecurities. It was through this process that I realized the need to avoid my common behavior; desperately seeking a rebound relationship or spending every possible moment occupying myself so as to avoid thinking about the situation.
I will feel every second of this pain, not turning away at any point. I need to learn from this, about myself, and those around me.
The most trying and painful lessons in life are often the most valued.
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