"Jennifer wants to be friends on Facebook." This sentence greeted me as I logged onto my email, immediately followed by a queasy feeling in my stomach and a loss of appetite.
I don't think she will ever understand how painful this is. I cant be her friend. I loved her, I cant just friend her and watch her life progress without being a part of it.
If this were the matrix I would would beg Morpheus to stick the probe in the back in my head and erase my memory of our relationship. Its not that I genuinely don't still have strong feelings for her and think about her on a daily basis, its that I've become imprisoned by it. Just like when she told me of the rape a few months ago, I subsequently lost 10 pounds from my already thin frame and feel into a depression. I cant control her, and at times, she cant control herself. I cannot be apart of that, for my own mental sanity.
Why do I LOVE???????
Yet, words do no justice. This process is unfair.
Does this really have to last this long?
Does the pain really have to persist?
My heart yearns for her but my mind knows the reality of her lifestyle and the havoc it wrecked on my world.
What is wrong with me?
Can I not just make a decision and mentally and emotionally stick by it?
Why do these bouts of regret and longing slowly tear away at my emotional stability.
Jennifer, please......................CHANGE
*Edit: I can see why people turn to alcohol or drugs. Dealing with sadness and depression is a really tough and overwhelming process.
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