My Fianl Email Response to "Her"

It has been almost two months since since I talked to the person I referred to in the last blog post. I want to stress this this is completely uncharacteristic of my previous behavior while I was in a relationship with her. I cannot even recount how many times I returned to her after I promised myself that I would leave after some drunken episode, it is almost unbelievable how many times I lied to myself and accepted her promises of recovery.

Before I enter into my draft of an email response to her, let me give some context. I have been receiving messages from her each week for about two months. These messages ranged from general inquiries about my day to crying voice mails begging for my response. They have all found their way to my heart and once again branded my heart with the mark of pain. The most recent message was received two days ago which was basically a letter of resignation. She stated that she would not contact me anymore and "I don't know why you chose to ignore me." The last line really left some painful emotions lingering in my head and heart for some time so I crafted a very visceral response to her email which I will finally release from the stale storage of my Gmail drafts folder. I do not want to persecute her anymore and I do not want to talk about addiction, alcoholism, or anything related to it so let this message both be born here and die here.

The following is my hastily drafted email response to her

"This is the second email I drafted to send you.

I was doing my best to give us both space and although it hurt both of us I thought it was best. I will tell you how I honestly feel.

I listened to you last voice mail and had a hard rest of the day. I wanted to comfort and console you. I wanted everything to be okay but part of me was also angry. I remember begging you on my hands and knees to stop getting drunk, I remember crying to you with the same intensity of emotion in the bathroom of the septa train on the way to New York to get my Visa after a conversation we had where you did not know where you were or who you were with and I remember going back to you wishing it would be better, hanging on your every word about "recovery."

I did not want to email you because I needed time to get through this. I still feel pain and think about you and this situation daily. I'm angry that the great times we've had was often punctuated by situations related to alcohol.

First, let me clear up some things. I'm not ignoring you because I have a girlfriend, nor am I ignoring you because I do not love you.

During our last conversation, I told you that I went to Tokushima and decided that we cannot be together. Let me shed some light on this. While in Tokushima, I had 12 days to think about this situation and reflect on our past and future together, what has happened and what will happen.

I reflected on one experience many times. A few months ago when I first arrived in Japan, I enjoyed my first traditional Japanese dinner with a friends family. At the house there were many people including a couple who were expecting a child. Dinner time came and we all sat on our knees on the tatami mat and everyone was given a beer glass including myself. I was hesitant but I accepted a glass of beer and did a few toasts with the family.  Anyway, sitting across from me was the young couple, the man was drinking beer and his wife was drinking iced tea. For some reason that really resonated with me. I thought, "wow, he trusts her enough to know she would not even consider drinking, although everyone who was around her was drinking." After I left that night, and up until a month ago I did not think much of it but during my trip I realized that that I've made a choice to stay in a situation where I could not say the same about my trust regarding the person I love and alcohol.

I reached a breaking point during one of our last conversations. The conversation that you reveled to me that you were potentially taken advantage of. After that conversation, I was not able to eat for days, dropped 10 more pounds, and fell into a state of depression. Now, whether or not you were taken advantage of or or you voluntarily undressed yourself while you were apparently drunk and unconscious on a couch, what ever the case, it does not matter. It reached a point that made me question the future and the pattern that I saw emerging in myself.

I would base my happiness on the decisions you made and the consequences of those decisions. I do not want our relationship to revolve around alcohol, regardless of what the label is we attach to it. I do not want to ask you about your weekend, really trying to find out if you drank. I do not want you to hesitate when you talk to me because you realize that if you let "it" slip you will cause me pain. It is too much and too much has happened because of it. I realized that I cannot rescue you from yourself or your habits, no matter how much pain I feel or tears I shed, nor should I.

Its a complicated situation but I genuinely want both of us to be happy.

I love you, miss you and wish I could hold you once again. I truly wish it didn't come to this and we could live the life we wanted to.

I wish this were easier but I feel this is the only option. "

Chug, Chug, Chug

Full disclosure, I think about my ex on a daily basis.

It is naive of me to think that she does not have alcohol in the house.

It is naive of my to think she is not frequently drinking to excess.

It was an ideal, my ideal, which was unconsciously imposed upon her. It goes much deeper then sobriety, almost to the extent of being weaved into the fiber of my being. It is beyond my understanding (at least at this very moment).


I have been shown, time and time again, that alcohol and its abuse* will be and has been part of our relationship.
*Let me offer one point of clarification in regards to abuse. First, I recognize that is my subjective opinion. By no means am I generally stating that the behavior that was demonstrated during the times of intoxication was asbolutley unacceptable, in fact the opposite is probably true. Alcohol often gives us, by means of a societal rationalization of the behavior, a justifiable reason to "act the part." Case in point: If one were to go to a "frat party," a certain standard of behavior is accepted because of our collective understanding of what goes on at these type of events. This behavior, independent of any egregious break of a societal norm, is "allowed" in this setting and almost encouraged

Side note: The one and only time I went to a frat party I decided to take advantage of the accepted behavior and "act the part."

Entering the circus ring we call the "frat party," the ringmaster skillfully conducted his opening ceremony consisting of shots on the bar and shouting to the audience "Yo, we got free beer," to a loud uproar. As or our timid group of quasi military cadets, progressing through the crowd in single file, excusing ourselves at every chance, we quickly and without notice settled down into the corner near the crowded beer pong table and sunken plush couch.

I was out of my league, surrounded by yelling college students, groping the legs and torsos of the women they were pulling into their crotches. "I'm going to get some beer," a friend said, offering a fleeting glace my direction, as to reaffirm my desire not to partake. "I'm good, thanks" I meekly stated.

"Look at her, shes hot" shooting a glance into the crowd. Snapping my neck, as to see this once in a life time event, "who." "She's looking over here, I think she wants to dance" he said in a commanding tone, gesturing me to get up. "No, dude, shes looking at you" I quickly shot back, putting my hand behind his back while gently urging him out of his plush seat.

Following this, I did what all guys do, decided to rise to my feet, look back at my friends and take my first step in her direction. We lock eyes, and she turns towards me. Short of a stroke, I begin to lose feeling in my extremities as I continue to pull my body in her direction. "Hey" I raise my hand and gesture towards her. "Hey" she replies through the crowd. Its game time no going back. "Yo, whats up man" I say, a little louder then the last. She looks puzzled as I raise my hand higher and stride right past her. "Damn I blew it," I think as our shoulders meet. The invisible man behind your target is always the best out.

To spare the pleasantries, of course I receive a wave of grimaces and negative remarks as I return to the fold.

What was different? Why were these guys able to grope their way to teenage heaven?

Alcohol...alcohol was the difference. Nearly everyone, and I do mean everyone, was drinking. The "nearly" represents yours truly, who did not possess a beverage. That realization lead me to understand the true power of this symbol, and what one could do while the alcohol was flowing.

"Dude, give me your beer" I said him, as he sat mesmerized on the plush couch, ever so slowly sinking into the soft cushions and folded springs. "What, why do you want my beer, you don't drink," he said. "I know, and I still don't, just drink half and give it to me" I replied. He obeyed, and handed me the beer. I walked into the back kitchen area of the frat and put the beer to my lips. Pshhhhhh..."this tastes like piss," not that I've ever partaken in a warm glass of urine, but wow, I'm sure its close.

"Fuck it" I though to myself, "Its my time." I collected myself, closing my eyes, turning slowly, towards the entrance to the main room.  I begin my walk of intoxication, forcefully striking a thick wooden table as I walk by, like a coach smacking his players asses as they stride onto the field. "I'm fuckin drunk" was the first thing I decided to yell. Not the best choice, but fitting at the time. Raising my Olympic torch, I walk with a confidence that was not yet found at that part in my life. Bumping through the crowds, "Yeah, this is fickin awesome" I'm yelling at the top of my lungs, competing with the blasting hip-hop. I was free, and no-one cared I was yelling, as I scream almost directly into their faces.

I'm quasi stumbling through the crowd towards the still sedentary group of guys I arrived with, and inadvertently shoulder the women I was originally looking at. I extend my arm to catch her in a embrace, pull her close to my legs. Let the grinding begin.

It was amazing, the look on their faces, twisted in a showing of emotion ranging from disbelief to anger and the impetus for these emotions was occurring right in front of their eyes. I committed a mortal sin, punishable by banishment. I am faking it, and they know it. How sweet this was.

I left that night with a understanding; one that has carried with me to this day. I have no need to escape, relax, or whatever one chooses to label it. I need no beverage because I can "act the part" without even being cast for the play.



Oh, and in regards to progress towards my long term goals; does thinking about it count?

Addiction

The first road to recovery is admitting my addiction... I'm addicted to procrastination. This takes the form of the many justifications I use to avoid doing the actual work, which can be loosely defined as anything related to the forward progression of my job or personal life.

I've also had the fortunate or unfortunate experience, depending on the perspective in regards to life lessons one could learn, of breaking up with my girlfriend.

Self-actualization according to Maslow, "The final level of psychological development that can be achieved when all basic and mental needs are fulfilled and the 'actualization' of the full personal potential takes place."

"To thine own self be true"

How does one know "thine own self?"

-I would find this to be the crux of any exploration into attaining self-actualization.

It has shown to be difficult, both for myself and those around me, to realize what silent contribution our societal construct has made in creating our image of "self." One could argue we are a creation of the the powers that surround us: family, friends, educators, media, etc. These powers have given us the supposed freedom to act in accordance with our passions and desires, or have given the illusion of these freedoms by providing societal reinforcement which encourages you to choose from a pre-determined set of decisions. Such as in the case of someone coming from a background or acceptance of alcohol. The acceptance of this behavior starts in motion, a cognitive schema, or way of developing a system to understand and interpret the behavior. This interpretation lends itself the building of a construct in which it is acceptable to partake and behave in a way that is in accordance with consuming the said beverage. In short, it becomes the acceptance of a lifestyle, with its set of morals and values to guide its faithful members. In this case it has been pre-determined that one would look favorably, due to conditioning and reinforcement of what we interport to be positive experiences, upon the consumption of alcohol. 

In my mind, this understanding comes down to the Socratic method of dialogue, or the "why." If one were to ask "why do you drink?" there would be no doubt a flurry of initial reasons as to why one chooses to partake, however, these reasons would begin to dwindle until one reaches "just because." At this point one must look in one of two directions, inside oneself, or to society in general, to provide the direction which will inevitably be lost in this quest. Many of us will look towards society to answer these questions, far fewer will embark on the painful quest of looking inside oneself for the answer only to find more questions. Regardless, it will be a path of justifications for either either party and will often come down to what "feels right."

We, possessing the need to feel a sense of belonging, will submit to some type of societal construct. We will inevitably give up some individual rights for the community, but one must always be conscious of what rights we relinquish for a sense of safety and kinship.

Lament over.

On a more important note, to address my addiction to procrastination, I've committed to doing daily posts of what progress I have made on any front.

-Read some "starting strength"

-Researched youth advocacy programs abroad

-Researched biking programs

As the say in Germen - Peace Out Cuz