My Fianl Email Response to "Her"

It has been almost two months since since I talked to the person I referred to in the last blog post. I want to stress this this is completely uncharacteristic of my previous behavior while I was in a relationship with her. I cannot even recount how many times I returned to her after I promised myself that I would leave after some drunken episode, it is almost unbelievable how many times I lied to myself and accepted her promises of recovery.

Before I enter into my draft of an email response to her, let me give some context. I have been receiving messages from her each week for about two months. These messages ranged from general inquiries about my day to crying voice mails begging for my response. They have all found their way to my heart and once again branded my heart with the mark of pain. The most recent message was received two days ago which was basically a letter of resignation. She stated that she would not contact me anymore and "I don't know why you chose to ignore me." The last line really left some painful emotions lingering in my head and heart for some time so I crafted a very visceral response to her email which I will finally release from the stale storage of my Gmail drafts folder. I do not want to persecute her anymore and I do not want to talk about addiction, alcoholism, or anything related to it so let this message both be born here and die here.

The following is my hastily drafted email response to her

"This is the second email I drafted to send you.

I was doing my best to give us both space and although it hurt both of us I thought it was best. I will tell you how I honestly feel.

I listened to you last voice mail and had a hard rest of the day. I wanted to comfort and console you. I wanted everything to be okay but part of me was also angry. I remember begging you on my hands and knees to stop getting drunk, I remember crying to you with the same intensity of emotion in the bathroom of the septa train on the way to New York to get my Visa after a conversation we had where you did not know where you were or who you were with and I remember going back to you wishing it would be better, hanging on your every word about "recovery."

I did not want to email you because I needed time to get through this. I still feel pain and think about you and this situation daily. I'm angry that the great times we've had was often punctuated by situations related to alcohol.

First, let me clear up some things. I'm not ignoring you because I have a girlfriend, nor am I ignoring you because I do not love you.

During our last conversation, I told you that I went to Tokushima and decided that we cannot be together. Let me shed some light on this. While in Tokushima, I had 12 days to think about this situation and reflect on our past and future together, what has happened and what will happen.

I reflected on one experience many times. A few months ago when I first arrived in Japan, I enjoyed my first traditional Japanese dinner with a friends family. At the house there were many people including a couple who were expecting a child. Dinner time came and we all sat on our knees on the tatami mat and everyone was given a beer glass including myself. I was hesitant but I accepted a glass of beer and did a few toasts with the family.  Anyway, sitting across from me was the young couple, the man was drinking beer and his wife was drinking iced tea. For some reason that really resonated with me. I thought, "wow, he trusts her enough to know she would not even consider drinking, although everyone who was around her was drinking." After I left that night, and up until a month ago I did not think much of it but during my trip I realized that that I've made a choice to stay in a situation where I could not say the same about my trust regarding the person I love and alcohol.

I reached a breaking point during one of our last conversations. The conversation that you reveled to me that you were potentially taken advantage of. After that conversation, I was not able to eat for days, dropped 10 more pounds, and fell into a state of depression. Now, whether or not you were taken advantage of or or you voluntarily undressed yourself while you were apparently drunk and unconscious on a couch, what ever the case, it does not matter. It reached a point that made me question the future and the pattern that I saw emerging in myself.

I would base my happiness on the decisions you made and the consequences of those decisions. I do not want our relationship to revolve around alcohol, regardless of what the label is we attach to it. I do not want to ask you about your weekend, really trying to find out if you drank. I do not want you to hesitate when you talk to me because you realize that if you let "it" slip you will cause me pain. It is too much and too much has happened because of it. I realized that I cannot rescue you from yourself or your habits, no matter how much pain I feel or tears I shed, nor should I.

Its a complicated situation but I genuinely want both of us to be happy.

I love you, miss you and wish I could hold you once again. I truly wish it didn't come to this and we could live the life we wanted to.

I wish this were easier but I feel this is the only option. "

Walk into the Room

Update as of 9_25_2012: This post was originally made somewhere around January 2012.

"What are you up to" I as at 5:12pm, to which she responds "still on the computer" at 5:20pm.

Pina 3D would be a good movie I think to myself, shes a dancer. I decide to go over the house and surprise her and take her to the movies. I arrive at around 6:10 and slowly walk upstairs, so as not to give it away from the sound of the cleats on my bikes shoes, knocking the wood with every step. I open and door and turn on the light, only to see a empty bed.

Im beginning to feel it once again, it returns like a ravenous animal smelling fear; something is wrong. I stand motionless, taking in all that I can. I smell it, the aroma seeping into my nostrils; something has been burning in the room, but she doesn't smoke she told me. I walk to the left of the room, and instinctively go to the trashcan, and there it is.

A box of cigarettes, some hastily balled up tinfoil. I open the box of camels and find a small plastic bag...

Here is comes, I drop the bag in a frantic dash to do anything that will take my mind off the obvious. I cant believe it, its not true. "Why are you so fuckin stupid?" I say to myself, "Why do you do this to yourself?"

Feet steadily reaching a fast cadence as I race through the city, my fix is approaching. I feel light as I push harder on the pedals, water rising from the street and being thrown onto my back as I speed through the rain. What if I get hit, i think... Its not enough, faster, FASTER!!

ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I NEED A BETTER FIX!!!!!!!

***Update 7:11 PM - Waiting for my GoPro battery to charge***

Since I did not update this post since the January 2011, the results of my "Fix" was a bike ride in a speedo bathing suit in below freezing temperatures for about 30 minutes in Center City while it began to snow. It was probably the stupidest thing I've done and literally almost resulted in Hypothermia but its all part of the learning experience. I will post a pic of it soon.