Double Think

"All I want to do is hug her" I tell myself, impatiently pacing my wood floor. "Just one text message, and if she doesn't respond, then its not meant to be" assuring myself as I venture outside to walk the well worn path in the sidewalk, the passageway to a thinkers paradise. I wanted to text her and tell her to meet me somewhere so I could just caress her one more time....Damn.

It amazes me that we are able to hold two contradictory beliefs at the same time, this "double think," as it is coined in 1984, is beginning to characterize my thoughts about her. I recognize the impossibility of our reunion, but yet, the times that we've shared and the Love I held in my heart will not give me but a five minute respite.

Edit: After some contemplation I realized the stark difference in this situation compared to other relationships. I've rarely had any issue quickly rationalizing away any feelings of hurt or disappointment after a failed relationship. On occasion, I've used broken relationships and their ramification as humor for my friends and those around me...I know, what a dick.

This relationship has caused my to point the finger at myself and identify my insecurities. It was through this process that I realized the need to avoid my common behavior; desperately seeking a rebound relationship or spending every possible moment occupying myself so as to avoid thinking about the situation.

I will feel every second of this pain, not turning away at any point. I need to learn from this, about myself, and those around me.

The most trying and painful lessons in life are often the most valued.

Dazed and Confused

Do you love her, or Love the idea of loving her?

I wasn't sure how to answer that at the time it was posed to me and it still remains at the forefront of my mind.

My understanding of our relationship consisted of two people: the person who I found absolutely amazing in every way as opposed to the person who causes more pain then I have ever felt (or let myself feel). I love the former and loath the latter. There in lies the issue; realizing the the latter will most likely lead me to a stroke or some type of stress induced ailment V feeling connected in every way.

It was a relationship of extremes, as our lives often are in one way or another.


Anyway, Peace out my brothers, Im out.

PS: Better post tomorrow, just wanted to get this out in the dazed midnight state of being.

Chug, Chug, Chug

Full disclosure, I think about my ex on a daily basis.

It is naive of me to think that she does not have alcohol in the house.

It is naive of my to think she is not frequently drinking to excess.

It was an ideal, my ideal, which was unconsciously imposed upon her. It goes much deeper then sobriety, almost to the extent of being weaved into the fiber of my being. It is beyond my understanding (at least at this very moment).


I have been shown, time and time again, that alcohol and its abuse* will be and has been part of our relationship.
*Let me offer one point of clarification in regards to abuse. First, I recognize that is my subjective opinion. By no means am I generally stating that the behavior that was demonstrated during the times of intoxication was asbolutley unacceptable, in fact the opposite is probably true. Alcohol often gives us, by means of a societal rationalization of the behavior, a justifiable reason to "act the part." Case in point: If one were to go to a "frat party," a certain standard of behavior is accepted because of our collective understanding of what goes on at these type of events. This behavior, independent of any egregious break of a societal norm, is "allowed" in this setting and almost encouraged

Side note: The one and only time I went to a frat party I decided to take advantage of the accepted behavior and "act the part."

Entering the circus ring we call the "frat party," the ringmaster skillfully conducted his opening ceremony consisting of shots on the bar and shouting to the audience "Yo, we got free beer," to a loud uproar. As or our timid group of quasi military cadets, progressing through the crowd in single file, excusing ourselves at every chance, we quickly and without notice settled down into the corner near the crowded beer pong table and sunken plush couch.

I was out of my league, surrounded by yelling college students, groping the legs and torsos of the women they were pulling into their crotches. "I'm going to get some beer," a friend said, offering a fleeting glace my direction, as to reaffirm my desire not to partake. "I'm good, thanks" I meekly stated.

"Look at her, shes hot" shooting a glance into the crowd. Snapping my neck, as to see this once in a life time event, "who." "She's looking over here, I think she wants to dance" he said in a commanding tone, gesturing me to get up. "No, dude, shes looking at you" I quickly shot back, putting my hand behind his back while gently urging him out of his plush seat.

Following this, I did what all guys do, decided to rise to my feet, look back at my friends and take my first step in her direction. We lock eyes, and she turns towards me. Short of a stroke, I begin to lose feeling in my extremities as I continue to pull my body in her direction. "Hey" I raise my hand and gesture towards her. "Hey" she replies through the crowd. Its game time no going back. "Yo, whats up man" I say, a little louder then the last. She looks puzzled as I raise my hand higher and stride right past her. "Damn I blew it," I think as our shoulders meet. The invisible man behind your target is always the best out.

To spare the pleasantries, of course I receive a wave of grimaces and negative remarks as I return to the fold.

What was different? Why were these guys able to grope their way to teenage heaven?

Alcohol...alcohol was the difference. Nearly everyone, and I do mean everyone, was drinking. The "nearly" represents yours truly, who did not possess a beverage. That realization lead me to understand the true power of this symbol, and what one could do while the alcohol was flowing.

"Dude, give me your beer" I said him, as he sat mesmerized on the plush couch, ever so slowly sinking into the soft cushions and folded springs. "What, why do you want my beer, you don't drink," he said. "I know, and I still don't, just drink half and give it to me" I replied. He obeyed, and handed me the beer. I walked into the back kitchen area of the frat and put the beer to my lips. Pshhhhhh..."this tastes like piss," not that I've ever partaken in a warm glass of urine, but wow, I'm sure its close.

"Fuck it" I though to myself, "Its my time." I collected myself, closing my eyes, turning slowly, towards the entrance to the main room.  I begin my walk of intoxication, forcefully striking a thick wooden table as I walk by, like a coach smacking his players asses as they stride onto the field. "I'm fuckin drunk" was the first thing I decided to yell. Not the best choice, but fitting at the time. Raising my Olympic torch, I walk with a confidence that was not yet found at that part in my life. Bumping through the crowds, "Yeah, this is fickin awesome" I'm yelling at the top of my lungs, competing with the blasting hip-hop. I was free, and no-one cared I was yelling, as I scream almost directly into their faces.

I'm quasi stumbling through the crowd towards the still sedentary group of guys I arrived with, and inadvertently shoulder the women I was originally looking at. I extend my arm to catch her in a embrace, pull her close to my legs. Let the grinding begin.

It was amazing, the look on their faces, twisted in a showing of emotion ranging from disbelief to anger and the impetus for these emotions was occurring right in front of their eyes. I committed a mortal sin, punishable by banishment. I am faking it, and they know it. How sweet this was.

I left that night with a understanding; one that has carried with me to this day. I have no need to escape, relax, or whatever one chooses to label it. I need no beverage because I can "act the part" without even being cast for the play.



Oh, and in regards to progress towards my long term goals; does thinking about it count?

Addiction

The first road to recovery is admitting my addiction... I'm addicted to procrastination. This takes the form of the many justifications I use to avoid doing the actual work, which can be loosely defined as anything related to the forward progression of my job or personal life.

I've also had the fortunate or unfortunate experience, depending on the perspective in regards to life lessons one could learn, of breaking up with my girlfriend.

Self-actualization according to Maslow, "The final level of psychological development that can be achieved when all basic and mental needs are fulfilled and the 'actualization' of the full personal potential takes place."

"To thine own self be true"

How does one know "thine own self?"

-I would find this to be the crux of any exploration into attaining self-actualization.

It has shown to be difficult, both for myself and those around me, to realize what silent contribution our societal construct has made in creating our image of "self." One could argue we are a creation of the the powers that surround us: family, friends, educators, media, etc. These powers have given us the supposed freedom to act in accordance with our passions and desires, or have given the illusion of these freedoms by providing societal reinforcement which encourages you to choose from a pre-determined set of decisions. Such as in the case of someone coming from a background or acceptance of alcohol. The acceptance of this behavior starts in motion, a cognitive schema, or way of developing a system to understand and interpret the behavior. This interpretation lends itself the building of a construct in which it is acceptable to partake and behave in a way that is in accordance with consuming the said beverage. In short, it becomes the acceptance of a lifestyle, with its set of morals and values to guide its faithful members. In this case it has been pre-determined that one would look favorably, due to conditioning and reinforcement of what we interport to be positive experiences, upon the consumption of alcohol. 

In my mind, this understanding comes down to the Socratic method of dialogue, or the "why." If one were to ask "why do you drink?" there would be no doubt a flurry of initial reasons as to why one chooses to partake, however, these reasons would begin to dwindle until one reaches "just because." At this point one must look in one of two directions, inside oneself, or to society in general, to provide the direction which will inevitably be lost in this quest. Many of us will look towards society to answer these questions, far fewer will embark on the painful quest of looking inside oneself for the answer only to find more questions. Regardless, it will be a path of justifications for either either party and will often come down to what "feels right."

We, possessing the need to feel a sense of belonging, will submit to some type of societal construct. We will inevitably give up some individual rights for the community, but one must always be conscious of what rights we relinquish for a sense of safety and kinship.

Lament over.

On a more important note, to address my addiction to procrastination, I've committed to doing daily posts of what progress I have made on any front.

-Read some "starting strength"

-Researched youth advocacy programs abroad

-Researched biking programs

As the say in Germen - Peace Out Cuz

Manic-Normal

I've noticed, evidenced by the last post, that I have the capability to elevate my mood to a mania...and quickly. Being part of my personalty, I accept it, but I definitely realize its ramifications if not recognized and balanced with some type of in-the-moment analysis.

I've finished the book "the game" and did some online research. It basically breaks down to this, if you don't have the confidence in yourself, you will not be able to approach women, period. All of these strategies to seduce women, etc are based on the fact that the seducer (lonely man) now has some secret weapon that will allow him to "be interesting" around women at a given time/location. This is the placebo affect in action, if you believe you have less a chance of failure you will then take more chances. Its not the damn magic spell you cast on a women, its the confidence you gain to actually do more then stare at her as she walks by.

Knowing that I have some hesitations with approach, and would like to know more about the human psychological process in in regards to interacting with opposite sex, I will invest the next couple of weeks into doing some research and applying the skills I see necessary, but in my opinion, the best way to gain more confidence is get rejected countless times (hundreds) and lose the fear of the approach.

FYI: Considering dating classes range in the thousands of dollars (crazy, i know) do this shit yourself by working on your confidence, going to the gym, taking some speech classes, and growing a pair (easier said then done).

Cross Roads

As my stomach turned, yearning to finish devouring the pages of "The Game," I soon realized that this book has the potential to change the course of ones life.

We all share one commonality, we have some type of foundation which we base our opinions, judgements, and decisions on. This foundation, being formed from various aspects such as the impact of our environment, peer group, family and friends, has become the identity we rely on to face the world. Any threat to this identity is compartmentalized by justifying your current set of morals/values because they are all you know.

"We need a foundation to base our life upon...I couldn't imagine myself just floating through life with nowhere to rest my mental baggage," he said, while lacing his climbing shoes. "True," but I had a burning internal desire to disagree, I could form a new identity, and I use the term identity loosely.

I've never been one to show emotion, at least outwardly, but this has created a cognitive dissonance greater then I have ever had to deal with in my life, almost bringing me to tears.  I honestly immensely fear the impact this book can have on me. Since my youth, not being one to brag about my skill with the ladies, I forced myself to believe I was above these "popular" girls. I developed a personality of protection and made decisions that only served to bolster that.

Chastity, was my armor against these oncoming hoards that gave me no attention, these platoons of individuals to be envied, these popular people. I'm better then them, I told myself, I wasn't going to have sex because I didn't want to. Fuck that, I did, and I wanted to but I couldn't. It was my protection that lasted until my late teenage years, but remnants still hold true, refusing to tear off as I start accelerating through life.

I don't sleep around, I value a woman, and I'm looking for a lasting relationship, or at least that's what I tell myself. The desires of human nature escape no-one, I still face the sexual desires that every man does, and still marvel at stories of friends that have slept with countless women, but that's not me.

Do I
Do I
Do I

Do I want to change my moral foundation?

When one pulls the veil from the social programming that has constrained us since youth, we have a decision to make. Either accept and justify our programming and continue with our banal existence, or recognize the obstacle and take the necessary steps to obliterate it.

On a positive note, reflecting on the authors reinvention of his life, which took the sum total of about one year, it is amazing to contemplate the possibilities for change in any area of ones life in such a short period of time.

Question: If you were given a peak into a way of life, envied by others, including yourself, would you take the steps to embrace it or justify your current existence and make no attempt at change.

That my friends, is my mental flow.

My two cents about emails

Just a point of consideration, and since it's bothering me so much that I decided to write about it after midnight, its damn important.

I'm damn tired of responding to an email stating, "Sorry for the delayed response, I was..." The only implication one would one would receive from this type of response would be, I am too lazy to get back to you as soon as you send the message so I'm going to look at it in my inbox and do nothing for a few days, but at least I thought about answering it.

The world waits for no-one, (not even for someone who doesn't use hyphens properly), so answer your damn email on time when someone sends it to you.

Quarter Life Crisis - Part 1

I literally feel as though I am forcing myself to sit complacently as I imagine and almost materialize in my minds eye, images of travel, excitement, freedom, of my future. All this occurring while I slowly decay in front of my computer screen, accompanied the flickering light of a marvelous CFL blub as it fleetingly lights my keyboard.

When will I say I will wait no more?
When will I tell myself, now is the time to capture your dreams and stop justifying this stupendously banal existence?

Saturday night feaver and/or frostbite

Stepping out of the comfort of an old 4 door sedan onto the frozen tundra of a desolate college campus and despite some hindrances which included: the temperature being somewhere between freezing and frostbite, gale force winds, and a hint of snow, I managed to speak to 8 women.

 

To give you some context, my original goal was to speak to 20 women while walking around a sprawling college campus (avoiding the bars). So as not to mislead, for this exercise the term "speak" was defined as any form of conversation ranging from simply asking directions to flirty casual conversation. The intent of this exercise was to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and most importantly challenge the never ending supply of justification that seems to conveniently add a protective barrier to my lack of confidence in this area.
 
Moving on from this exercise and considering it a success, some important lessons have been learned.
1) Low temperatures, snow, and high winds will result in people doing everything possible to avoid being outside and will therefore leave little chance for conversation.
2) If you target demographic does not include a late night party animal/drinker than a college campus at midnight is the wrong place. Time to find a niche market.

Being that my Guess shoes which were purchased from Ross were obviously not specifically manufactured for walking long distances the soles of my feet was becoming a haven for hot spots waiting to erupt into painful blisters, I decided to walk back to my car which was conveniently parked about 10 long blocks away and go to a club. This club was advertised as the best house/dance club in Philly and apparently "members only," which was supposed to add to the mystique. My experience there was analogous to drinking wine; since I love grape juice and wine is made from grapes I will like it, which is similar in structure to, since I love to dance and the best dance club in Philly I will have a good time, WRONG. Lets just say, I never had a need to be intoxicated to dance and dance hard but that is apparently not the norm but the exception. Noticing that I was literally the only one who was not in possession of the status symbol we call a alcoholic beverage, I decided to leave.

That my friends, is how I spent my Saturday night.

Accomplishing with Personal Potential

One could argue, measuring yourself against others has its benefits and this omnipresent behavior is extremely prevalent in our society, especially in the male display of machismo.

When analyzing it on a micro level, delving into ones "conditioning" or learned responses, brings to light the nearly impenetrable bulwark created by society to shield the fashionistas, corporate trendsetters, etc. from any critique or criticism.

This observation slowly arise while I was watching a YouTube clip of a group of young adults who crossed a country in South America on longboards. These people were not famous nor seeking fame, at least to my knowledge as compared to long way round which almost relied on the star power of Ewan McGregor. The reality that was created, at least in my mind, was that without star power and a massive amount of sponsorship this awesome experience would not have been possible.

Coming to the powerful realization that once you set a limit on your self by looking to emulate the path of others you slowly erode the potential you possessed to successfully complete the initial task at hand in your own way dictated by your personality, etc.

Point of consideration: Follow your dream and look not at what others have done before or what could be done after you. If you see something you want to accomplish, make it your own and use your unique qualities to accomplish it.

Cleaning it out

Up until this day, oblivious to the fact that I had over 16,000 emails stagnating in my inbox, I decided to take action. After spending over 5 hours going through the emails in groups, I have but 15 emails in my inbox and a wealth of valuable lessons for the future.

My thoughts stem from the classic argument of nature v. nurture and its practical implications on our development. In the quest of moving through 6years of emails ranging from intimate conversations from past girlfriends, to the occasional "whats up" from an old friend, these emails represent the evolving state of my existence, a sort of portal into the past. Allowed to peer into the hypothetical pages of my life, which filled over 4GB of space on some server somewhere in the world,  lies a history of my development. 

Reading these emails it becomes apparent, at least to the writer, that these correspondents represent the various results of complex patters of though (some not soo much) with the impetus being whatever was deemed satisfactory at the time to create the justification or reason to perform the action. As the patterns of though were influenced by interpretations of past experiences and often times the immediacy of pain or pleasure, it becomes obvious that the multitude of experiences creates a bank of stored perspicacity for which to measure future desires/possible actions against. 

In the spirit of brevity, I will share but one lesson which was interpreted to be of the greatest importance.  

-Take time to reflect on the past and future alike but make sure to give thanks to both equally, for they had an equal part in creating the person you are today.-

Get up and Move

Impetus for article: I was recently emailed a chain email asking for donations for a funeral of a 22 year old woman. She was found dead, the autopsy showed she was strangled.

First and foremost, what a shitty way to go. It was probably someone she momentarily trusted, a decision which resulted in her death.

There is a point in everyone's life, yes, even yours, when you will come to the realization that time is passing by as you just comfortably exist in this beautifully constructed facade we call life. Some of us reach for material items which can either provide a distraction or return some semblance of the youthful vigor we once knew and let us reminisce of a time when our whole life was ahead of us. Others, too engrossed in the insignificant activities that help us turn away from the oncoming flood of stagnation, will subsist to the best of their abilities until they slowly disintegrate.

Point of consideration: Your negligible existence matters not to the rotation of the earth or to the fluctuations of the Dow, unless of course you happen to be Bill Gates, or probably even to your neighbors neighbor, but it should matter to you. So, with that in mind, you should take the time to ask yourself each day, “What contribution have I made?”